I em here

Today I found it challenging to get out of bed. A 9AM meeting and a 7:40 alarm; naturally optimistic.
I stayed up last night till 1AM writing the last post in this blog...ahh so the conflicts emerge.
Make it to confession, get wrapped up in St. Augustine and find myself snoozing to the highest shame status...I get out of bed finally at 8:50AM. No time to clean the mouth, face, or change.

There can be no loving God without loving self. As God is in the self...how would God walk the earth. Perhaps stay up late, but bear the consequence with full consciousness and ownership. This is what I'll do today. Today i can say that yes i did snooze again, but i was knew what I was doing and I did not let it ruin the morning. Yes I could have felt shit about the hours i lost, but no that would do no good. Instead I just took the time to continue the routine right after the morning meeting. I cleaned and followed with yoga.

The session started off with less preoccupations on the mind than usual. Nothing from work was clinging to my thoughts or badgering me. I didnt feel the urge to check outlook or feel that guilty. I knew I would do the work later and that was fine.

The only thing is...it's starting not to be fine when work efficiency is getting pushed back due to a schedule that starts later in the day. While I own the fact that I have not been waking up early to seize the da...my observations are that the effects are not what I hope for. The day is pushed back as I do yoga so have to work later and then work gets mixed with dinner...dinner sometimes pokes past 8 (at which I would like to be fasting by then). And then I can't do a second round of yoga practice which my heart tells me she needs.

Today i also ran into TOM. TOMS usually a bit irregular for me but ti feels sooner than usual. its supposed to be about a month and a half...yah i think it's about a month and a week though. I made lots of hot chocolate and a terrific steak. I throughly enjoyed it as I watched Call Me By Your Name. I had this great desire to watch a movie and fill myself with chocolate...and I didnt consecrate on it. I imagined how good it would feel to just lie back after a full day of work (whcih was more like a full day of sporadic work)..and so I said okay lets do it.

Right before I cooked (around 7:30pm) I meditated to Anahata chakra meditation focusing tracks from the Easter lectures. This I felt was good for me...I was happy that I was ready and drawn...fully excited about doing the meditation. For the first (just focusing on heart) i found similar to the first time i did it..at first. But this time it was much stronger effect...i felt my whole body like a fuzzball of vinration...and i could fill it as if I were holding it while also being it. Funnily enough it was that same sort of feeling i would get (mostly as a kid) when randomly (i think) i would just suddenly feel one part of my thumb feeling all like it was not my boddy but this ball of numbness that i could feel eberywhere not just in my thumb. I tried to stay focus on my heart here, but as i started to feel this familiar sensation, my mind did travel to these thoughts of what it was "like" instead of focusing exactly just feeling. I tried to then feel as i caught myself doing this. I tried to amplify this feeling without getting too excited...when i got excited my mind took over about ideas of what it meant or if it meant something ... that sort of talk is somethign that is so unhelpful. I struggle with letting the mind interpret the feelings of the heart...even when meditating on the heart. Ah this feeling MEANS this...my mind starts to say. AH this is what i want...thats the mind speaking...The heart is much more sublte and i am still learning its language...learning to give heart the wheel and mind the back seat.

Neither are taking it too well at the moment. Especially during relaxation Shavasana...i start nervous bevause the mind has this whole part to do of telling which part to relax ///in a step by step order.
But whats this! Then as i give my mind the wheel, and lie back..he veers us all off track....i start wondering about timothy chamelet and what movies he's in and also why i'm wondering about timonthy chamelet and that leads me to think about how he got discovered, WHat an eccentric boy, how lucky he is and wasnt he pleasently surprised to be in all the movies of this year (it seems). He must have had a time turner to do all those things.
And then i find myself pulling Mind bavk...hello! you are supposed to be relaxing me..ah yes lets just go back two steps...and so i find the process quite dragging as i repeat over and over a relaxation routine that is butcheredd to the point where it is more an routine of anxiety.

I think i will try to listen to the recording tomorrow as an attempt to get my Mind off the road a bit.
For the others, i find my left foot is very resisting when it comes to the 'knees folded and legs open' pose. I also will pay attention more to these names...as it would be ideal to not refer to positions in this brute inelegant manner.

Speaking of positioning that doesnt work...I also will be spending some time tomorrow finding the pervfect set up of all my gadgets so i am not (STILL) bending my back and craning my neck.


Right now is one. I will sleep early tomorrow. I should wake up early to trigger this new tactic. No motivations. I aspire to live a beautiful life as God has given me the chance to walk this earth. What is a beautiful life..my heart is the interior designer that knows. Let me see if she can tell me more, but first i listen.

Washing the dishes has been a good first step and not eating right when I get up.
These things both give me a clear mind. Next is this sleep and wake schedule/cycle.

Okay here we go. Another traveling day ahead. Take care of the temple.

Love,
Em


om watching Call Me By Your Name, I