A window: Outlander of the outlander

All day (and night) I have been sitting by the windowsill, peering into another world inside that of another world. The Outlander brings me to Scotland and through time indeed. I feel my heart wrenched when seeing the deep dark torture and 'ransom of a soul'. I sit so close...I sit in...i sit in the cell of a man being raped by another, "do you thnik i do not have control of the darkness i possess?" oh the torture and wound of soul next to a mangled hand is jolted my stomach and heart.

I was watching this world with my heart beating quick and slow..breath drawn deep and then fast. I'm shocked and moved...chuckle and cheer.
I have been to ancient ruins before; i have been to old houses..and many a time wonder and try to conjure the likes of the place when it had the spirit of life within it. Oh have I tried...and oh is it always such a deep vast distnance...as between myself and the stars above...trying to conjure the likes of the stars and planets in space...if i were standing near(er) to them. Profound. Given that I am in the "space", something gives me the hope that half of the journey traveling through 'space and time' is already accounted for. And i close my eyes tight and feel, trying to leap the "vast" distance of time...

Oh how magnificent is the world. Something in the 'other world' caught my attention as Gwenilun said, "i would do it all over again'. Something clicked for the first time in my mind...even though I often hear people say this phrase. But something about the 'time traveling' component triggered me to think about this phrase in a much bigger picture way.
Who has ever been given the chance to "do it all over again" at least an exact situation in time and place...it implies going back in time and space..or living twice over. And for some reason I realize how often this feeling crosses my mind too..."but would i do that again?" "i would never do my childhood over again". Perhaps this is a profound intuition of ours...something about second chances...thirds..fourths.

Today i stayed in all day and watched and cleaned. I slowly purged my house of rotting food and unused goods. And as I said goodbye to festering Skyr yogurts, swollen black carrots, sour shriveled and malnourished kefir grains, shrinking spinach leaves, and a row of chicken thighs...I felt sickened by myself. In between the gorry scenes and fights in Scotland and my tiny one room studio in the Netherlands...i felt in the same continuum..the guilt of killing..wasting away lives and the shame of losing so many of these soldiers of life.,to 'unnecessary' carelessness and thoughtlessness of mine.

And in through the window, i see lovers and warriors 'promising' this and 'promising' that..and their vows being broken by the untameable world turning itself. I saw outside these bodies the 'promises' were empty...well at first that was my reaction. But then i realized, they were not useless or meaningless even if they were bound to be broken. the promise of 'trying' with a full heart is everything. It is the most one can do and it is worthy.it is keeping that promise..if you truly put your heart into keeping it. If the worlds gravity drops a rock on it...it does not matter.
When I as watching...I saw that there was no other way it could be had. The promise was not empty...i could not imagine there being a promiseless world as well...